A Worthwhile Enterprise
by Entipy of Nothing
Summary: This is really weird and random but hopefully funny. My first submitted fanfic!


A WORTHWHILE ENTERPRISE

Celes Qiarh

Disclaimer: I don't know who owns Star Trek, but it isn't me, at least not in this reality. Douglas Adams owns life, the universe and everything. I wrote the dialogue: not for profit (or prophet, whichever you prefer) but if you for some reason feel the need to pay me anyway, I accept credits, traveler's checks and gold-pressed latinum.

SCENE ONE: The Main Bridge of the Enterprise-D

Beverly: What is the answer to life, the universe, and everything?

Picard: What brought that up?

Beverly: I was just wondering.

Picard: Why don't you ask the computer?

Beverly: Good point. Computer, what is the answer to life, the universe, and everything?

Computer: Forty-two.

Beverly: Well, that's not very helpful.

Computer: That's your problem.

Beverly: What is the ultimate question?

Computer: That information is not available at this time. Why don't you ask Data?

Beverly: Good point. taps communicator Crusher to Data.

Data: Shut up. I'm on TV.

Beverly: Ooh, what are you watching?

Data: Star Trek.

Beverly: Which one?

Data: Next Generation. Now PLEASE leave me alone.

Beverly: That's one of my favorite shows! Which episode is it?

Data: It's not an episode. It's a movie. It's called Nemesis.

Beverly: Cool. Can I watch?

Data: Come on over.

Beverly: Actually, I left all my DVDs back on Luna. Do you think you could get me a copy?

Data: Yeah, we can order it through FedEx.

Beverly: FedEx?

Data: Federation Express.

Beverly: Cool. I'm on my way. closes channel Oh, by the way, Jean-Luc, there's something I've been wanting to tell you for a long time.

Picard: What's that?

Beverly: You have a fish on your head. exits through turbolift

Picard: looking puzzled A fish? reaches up and finds that she is right Salmon, my favorite! Reminds me of the good old days…

Worf: That's not a salmon. That's a kitty cat.

Picard: Oh. You're right. I wonder why I thought it was a salmon?

Worf: Why don't you ask the computer?

Picard: Good point. Computer, why did I think this kitty cat was a salmon?

Computer: That's an android, stupid.

Picard: An android?

Computer: Duh.

Picard: looking at fish/cat/android I'm confused.

Worf: Kill them all!

Picard: What?

Worf: I didn't say anything.

Picard: Yes, you did. You said 'kill them all'.

Worf: Well if you knew why did you ask?

Fish/cat/android: I like cheese!

Picard: becoming excited I like cheese too!

Worf: With mint frosting!

Picard: CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE!

SCENE TWO: Data's Quarters

Data: I sure hope this movie has a good ending.

Beverly: Don't worry.

Data: Want some popcorn?

Beverly: Okay. reaches over and takes some Did you make it?

Data: No, Riker made it. points across the room at Riker, who is slumped against the wall in a drunken stupor

Beverly: How did he manage that?

Data: Hey, look, it's me!

Beverly: Hey, look, it's you!

Data: annoyed I just said that.

Beverly: So did I.

Data: Well you don't have to repeat everything I say!  
Beverly: I can if I want to!

Data: You're not my friend anymore!

Beverly: Fine!  
Data: And you can't have any more popcorn either.

Riker: moaning drunkenly Synthehol…malfunctioning…

Beverly: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

SCENE THREE: The Bridge

Picard: Well, what are we going to do with this fish/cat/android?

Worf: It's a kitty cat!

Computer: It's an android!

Worf: Cat!

Computer: Android!

Worf: Cat!  
Computer: Android!

Worf: Cat! Mute computer! Ha! looks pleased with himself

Picard: I wonder what Q would say.

Q: So do I.

Picard: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Q: What? You said it; I didn't.

Picard: What do you want?

Q: barely four inches from Picard's face I want you—

Picard: You want me?

Q: No! Well—I mean—oh, just listen, will you? I want you to go to that planet. points to planet on main viewscreen

Picard: What planet is that?

Q: I don't know.

Picard: Then why do you want me to go there?

Q: No particular reason. It's just fun to boss you around.

Picard: Whatever. Computer, unmute. Set course for—

Computer: ANDROID! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Worf: gives Klingon battle cry that sounds like a mouse being strangled and explodes

Picard: Ah well. He was annoying anyway. Computer, set course for random planet straight ahead. By the way, which planet is it?

Computer: It is called…let me see, let me see…ah yes. It is called 'Earth'.

Picard: Earth?

Q: I knew that! I was just seeing if you did!

Picard: Earth. Hmm. Sounds familiar somehow…

SCENE FOUR: Deanna Troi's Quarters

Troi: So, Wesley, what seems to be the problem?

Wesley: Well, you see, there's this girl…

Troi: Oh, _I_ see.

Wesley: And I really like her, but…she's way older than me, and I don't think she's ever even noticed me. Romantically, I mean.

Troi: Well, if you love each other, age doesn't really matter.

Wesley: I guess. But how do I tell her what I think?

Troi: What does she look like?

Wesley: She's a brunette…she's got these amazing dark eyes…all the guys in the ship look at her, I guess. But she hasn't got a boyfriend yet.

Troi: Where is she from?

Wesley: becoming agitated Well…um…she's half human…um…

Data: over intercom; sniffly, pouty, whiny Counselor Troi, I'd like to… blows nose loudly …I'd like to schedule an appointment.

Troi: Come right over. turns to Wesley Wesley, you'll have to leave now. Data is so much more important than you.

Wesley: miserably I know. walks out

Data: walking in Beverly is not my friend anymore!

Troi: Good. I never liked her.

Data: Want some popcorn?

Troi: Okay. takes some Did Riker make it?

Data: I knew you'd understand.

SCENE FIVE: Ten-Forward

Wesley: Can I have synthehol for once in my life?

Guinan: Sorry, kid. Not till you're 21.

Wesley: 21 _what? _

Guinan: Good point. pours him some synthehol So what's up?

Wesley: You know that girl I was telling you about?

Guinan: Which one?

Wesley: Oh come on.

Guinan: sounding bored You mean the older half human brunette with amazing dark eyes?

Wesley: You got it.

Guinan: Okay. What about her?

Wesley: I just talked to her.  
Guinan: What'd she say?

Wesley: Well, I didn't tell her I was in love with her. But then…another guy came in, and she, like, practically threw me out of there.

Guinan: Out of where?

Wesley: Her quarters.

Guinan: Well if you were in her quarters, I'd say that's a pretty big step, wouldn't you?

Wesley: drinks whole glass of synthehol in one gulp and falls off chair in drunken stupor

Guinan: Another one? What's wrong with this stuff? shakes bottle of synthehol; suddenly cocks head suspiciously Oh no. Q's here.

SCENE SIX: On the Bridge

Picard: I KNOW! Earth is where I first tasted CHEESE!

Q: excitedly Cheese? I like cheese too!

Picard: We finally have something in common!

they link elbows and do a little dance around the bridge

SCENE SEVEN: Data's Quarters

Riker: Uhhhn…

SCENE EIGHT: In Ten-Forward

Wesley: Uhhhn…

Guinan: PEOPLE OF ENTERPRISE! Q IS HERE! EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY!

she smashes a window with a chair and everybody jumps out into deep space and dies

SCENE NINE: Beverly's Quarters

Beverly: on the telephone Hello, is this the Federation Express?

Random Voice Over Telephone (RVOT): singing FedEx, the subspace mail…ser…_vice!_

Beverly: Can I order a copy of Nemesis?

RVOT: You buy it, we ship it!  
Beverly: I know. I'd like to buy something.

RVOT: We ship to all over the galaxy, from Alpha to Omega, A to Z, 1 to…um…um… tries desperately to figure out what the highest possible number is

Beverly: And while you're at it, could you ship me a popcorn machine?

RVOT: Why don't you just use the replicator?

Beverly: Good point. turns away from telephone Replicator, popcorn, maximum butter, hot!

Computer: We are out of popcorn. But you can have the butter if you want.

Beverly: aggravated How can you be out of popcorn?

Computer: Data and Riker ate it all.

Beverly: How about some cheese then?

RVOT and Computer in unison: We're out of cheese.

Beverly: How can you POSSIBLY be out of cheese?

Computer: Q, Picard, and the ANDROID ate it all.

RVOT: I ate it all.

Beverly: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

SCENE TEN: A Borg Cube

Borg: We have run out of freaky masks and pipes to assimilate people with.

Borg Queen: Masks are irrelevant. Assimilation is imminent. Resistance is futile.

Borg: But how will we assimilate people without the proper clothing?

Borg Queen: Assimilation is irrelevant. I mean—

Locutus: Assimilation is not irrelevant.

Borg: Resistance is futile.

Borg Queen: Oh, shut up. Talking should be made irrelevant.

Locutus: Talking is irrelevant. Hey—doesn't that mean I'm irrelevant?

Borg: Hooray! Locutus is irrelevant!

Locutus: Hey! I am the speaker!

Borg Queen: I am the Borg.

Borg: We are Borg.

Borg Queen: I know already! Didn't we just establish that talking is irrelevant? Go find someone to assimilate.

Borg: We cannot assimilate without the freaky masks and pipes. They are relevant.

Borg Queen: aside to Locutus Who taught them the word 'relevant'?

Borg: We need more metal to make the freaky masks and pipes.

Borg Queen: Well get more metal then!

Locutus: Sleep.

Borg Queen: What are you talking about, Locutus?

Locutus: Who's Data?

Borg Queen: sighs lustfully Whatever happened to him?

Locutus: CHEESE!

Borg: Cheese?

Locutus: CHEESE!

Borg: Okay. CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE!

Borg Queen: screams CHEESE IS IRRELEVANT!

Locutus: What? How dare you? Cheese is not irrelevant! Cheese is…it's…the most important thing on the face of the Earth!

Borg Queen: But we're not on Earth, Locutus!  
Locutus: Oh. Yeah. Oh well. CHEESE!

Borg Queen: dies of frustration

Borg: CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE!

SCENE ELEVEN: The Bridge of the Enterprise (a few days later)

Geordi: Oh no! It's the Borg!

Riker: smirking Ha. Ha. Ha.

Geordi: Uh-oh, they have a tractor beam lock on us!

Data: sighs lustfully I wonder…

Geordi: They're transporting over here!  
Riker: Let me guess. We're going to be assimilated and resistance is futile, right?

Borg: CHEESE!

Etc.


End file.
